“what a difference a year makes.” i’ve heard that phrase over and over and over again, but today more than any other, it means something more. maybe less? “what a difference a year makes.” how do i begin to sum up the massively overwhelming journey on which which my heart has been going for the past year. this is where the cue of “in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee…” would normally suffice, but somehow those meaningful words have been reduced to the tin-like sound of a jungle.
you know what’s funny? i’ve actually started about 300 blogs dedicated to this very subject, but never had the guts to finish. some would call it avoidance. and others would call it focus. either way, it hurts. perhaps the fear of what emotions would come sloshing out stopped me. maybe it was the fear that my heart would be vacant of anything substantial. either way, it hurts.
i miss my brother. i miss him with all of my heart and i can’t say how many times i’ve tried unsuccessfully to bargain with death and promised my left arm in order to be able to send brandon a facebook message and have him reply. some days i wake up and know that he’s still alive and other days i am paralyzed because i know that my family returned his cold shell to the earth.
one year ago today.
i’ve been looking for the right words…the right time…the right way to feel, but none of those things exists. my heart is broken in 24 pieces — one for each year that he had the chance to live — and i wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worse enemy. i find myself shifting between extreme levels of productivity and locking myself in and wanting to avoid the light of day. i had the thought, “if i could just look into his killer’s eyes. see him. ask him why.” but, y’know? that won’t bring him back. not for a second. someone asked me the other day if i could have 5 minutes with anyone past or present, who would it be and why. bob fosse, because the man was a genius. jesus, because i wanna ask about the stories he told…and my brother, because i want to tell him one last time that i love him.
a lot of people think i’m a work-a-holic. that my dream of self-producing this series is crazy. that i need to be in one place in order to “settle down.” but i’m sorry. i can’t stop working. and my dreams i’m living for him. and i won’t settle down and if that means that i’m lonely for the rest of my life then so be it. i visited home for his birthday and i stood at his grave and promised him that i wouldn’t quit. and i won’t. i’ll keep that commitment even if hurts. i’m fully aware that i’m not the first person who’s lost a sibling and i know that i won’t be last, but missing brandon is now a part of my story. no, you don’t get over it; you just learn to live with it. and that’s just scratching the surface. and i wonder who’ll understand as i see people forget. and i try with all of my heart to keep you alive because i think deep down inside that maybe…just maybe i can reverse the permanency of death. i guess it’s the kid in me. the same kid in me that was in you that made you believe that i couldn’t kick your ass in a foot race.
today, brother, i celebrate you. the jokes you played. the stunts you pulled. the arguments we had. i celebrate your giving heart and you height and your stature. i celebrate your fatherhood and your desire to be more. i celebrate your love.
miss you, b.